Have you had the training you need to look at yourself?

What do you see when you look in the mirror? Like me do you focus on the missing teeth and the lockdown weight gain? It is easy to do isn’t it, focusing in on the flaws. An artist or a photographer may see quite different things when they look at us, or even in their own mirrors. On the surface checking your appearance in the mirror seems to be a simple task. Yet even looking in the mirror can be fraught with difficulties and psychological challenges. Reflection in the service of professional and personal development is similar. We think it should be easy, something that we don’t need training for - a simple task, after all isn’t it simply thinking? Reflection is an everyday term, one that is easy to take for granted. Yet or perhaps because of this everyday usage it is often misunderstood or used to mean different things by different individuals. We may not take the time to examine what it is that we are doing that we describe as reflection and as with most largely unconscious processes it is rarely as simple as we assume.

I have observed that we are gradually loosing the natural points in our days, weeks and years that used to be quiet points that naturally tilted us towards reflection. Even the simple moments of retelling the stories of our day at the dinner table are now more often dominated by the sharing of information rather than an opportunity to delve into our experiences with the support of others (or is that just my life with a tween?). To cultivate reflection in our lives we need to be intentional and committed to creating opportunities to reflect, but we also need to understand and practice what we are doing when we are reflecting.

The skill of reflection is the essential skill that we need to develop to thrive in the increasingly information rich and self-obsessed world that we inhabit.

Reflection is defined by the Oxford English Dictionary as “Serious thought or consideration. An idea about something, especially one that is written down or expressed.” We could conclude from the definition that reflection is simply thinking. Yet that remains very vague and reflection is more complex than simply thinking. Thinking can be helpful or unhelpful, psychologically rich or contribute to psychological distress. When we reflect for professional and personal growth one of our goals is to develop self-insight. Self-insight is about gaining an accurate understanding of our internal states and processes (feelings, thoughts, urges, reactions, responses) and our behaviour. Reflection is tricky because even while we are reflecting we are dealing with our internal states, processes and behaviours. It is a bit like trying to look at ourselves in the mirror while at the same time being in the mirror.

Time spent thinking about ourselves doesn’t automatically generate the self-insight and growth that we are aiming for. We can think about ourselves in a way that confirms what we already know, or become stuck in negative thought patterns such as rumination. In fact there are indications that large amounts of time spent dwelling on yourself can be associated with lower well-being. Having a clear understanding of the difference between developing self-insight through reflection on our actions and rumination or judgement can help us engage positively with reflection. Rumination is when our thoughts become fixated on a particular issue, experience, action, problem or series of thoughts. It is thinking through the same thing over and over without generating a satisfying solution or a way to move forward, and often contains an element of passivity. Often rumination is our minds way of avoiding uncomfortable emotions by over activating rational thoughts around the subject (and around again). If I am reflecting on my interactions with colleagues rumination would look like “why did I make that silly joke that fell flat in the staff meeting?” What was I thinking to make that joke? Gosh I am an idiot, what do my colleagues think of me now? I am never going to regain their respect now.”

Successful reflection requires us to be skilled in three core skills.

1. Firstly we need to be able to activate our self-compassion. Self-compassion is the ability to hold ourselves kindly, to honour and tend to the emotions we feel when we reflect on our actions and performance. It is the ability to be as kind and supportive of ourselves as we are of our best friend. It allows us to gain perspective on our missteps as learning experiences, and helps us avoid getting stuck in cycles of self-judgement.

2. Secondly we need to activate our curiosity to be open to learning. This involves approaching reflection with an openness that allows us to move beyond what we already know and think. It involves developing our comfort in having what we know challenged or deconstructed. Curiosity involves refusing to accept the most obvious or the first or even the second answer or explanation. Rather we dig deep, and ask “what else”. ‘What’ is often a more fruitful question for reflection than why (you can read more about this here). Often why leads us to justify what we already know or think, or get lost in memories and explanations, rather than seeking new ways of thinking.

3. The third key skill of reflection is reflective awareness. Reflective awareness involves accessing the part of ourselves which can observe ourselves. It is practicing the skill of viewing our experience with a bit of perspective and dispassion. It is a bit like being able to step out of the mirror, if we were in the mirror, in order to view ourselves more clearly in the mirror. To contrast with the example I provided above of what rumination may look like here is the same scenario of reflection on an interaction with work colleagues. “What happened at the staff meeting today? What did I notice about the feelings in the room? What had made people so awkward? What was I feeling when I noticed the tension - I felt uncomfortable and that lead me to make a joke and no-one laughed. I wonder what was happening for them? Who could I ask to find out about how staff meetings went in the past and why people dislike them so much?

Reflection as a tool for growth and development involves developing our sense of curiosity, self-compassion and reflective awareness. It is pulling these skills together and applying them to our memories of what has happened, what we have done or what we have experienced. It is purposefully seeking different perspectives on what has happened and considering our part in that in order to develop and grow.

I’d love to hear more about your experiences with reflection.

Christina