Lockdown and building my child's resilience

A post or comment on social-media caught my eye, it described the current situation as harrowing for children. I am not sure if it was a New Zealand based comment or not, but it reinforced for me that as parents we set the emotional tone for how our kids perceive what is happening. I have noticed a prevailing attitude that expects this to be bad for children, that we need to protect them and that anything that scares, challenges or disappoints them is harrowing and bad for them. Actually children are much more flexible and resilient than we expect, and going through tough stuff builds their resilience much more than keep them protected does. This is an opportunity for them to grow, and find their strength and adaptability - and they will if we support them with love and care. I know that parents are getting A LOT of advice at the moment and if you are anything like me you may even be feeling a little overloaded with it all. So I have outlined this in some quick to read dos and don’ts.

DON’T worry so much. Children are much more resilient, capable and adaptable than you think. This may be a strong memory for them, but lockdown such as we are having in New Zealand won’t for the majority leave them scarred for life.
DO set the emotional tone for the lockdown. My son asked my if I had ever lived through a pandemic before. This reinforced that he doesn’t have enough life experience to judge whether this is unprecedented or normal. He was looking to me to give him guidance on whether he should be scared, worried, harrowed, or curious and resilient. So I told him about other pandemics, that at other times in history New Zealand has faced virulent outbreaks, and that times were tough, sacrifices were made but that people were adaptable and resilient and got through. If you can tell tales of (great) grandparents that lived though the tuberculosis outbreaks, or other hardships this can help normalise difficult times and resilient responses.

DON’T feel that you have to shield them from what is happening in the world, or from how you feel about it. It is through having these experiences, and seeing how you cope that our children gain
the ability to cope with the sad and difficult events that life throws up (and it will because life is not all sunshine and unicorns). Share with them what big feelings you are experiencing, what they feel like and how you are expressing them, this models noticing, naming and accepting emotions that is a basis for resilient responses.
DO share in age appropriate ways and consider the amount of news that your children (and yourself) are exposed to, talk about how we know which information is trustworthy and the sources we choose.

DON’T forget about the need for children to move their bodies regularly, schedule in regular walks, and internet exercise classes, skipping, hooping or whatever else gives them a change to express their physical energy.
DO talk to you children about how we can hold stress and tension in our bodies, and help them to learn to relax and calm their bodies when they need to.

DON’T assume that your kids know how to talk to people on a telephone/zoom call, they may need some structure to get them started. This could be helping them generate ideas of some things to talk about, finding something to show to their friend, or a game or a book to read a chapter from.
DO help your children to find ways to use technology as a tool to connect with their friends (and old fashioned methods too - yesterday we chalked messages on friend’s driveways).

DON’T assume that your children will struggle and find lockdown difficult.
DO assume that they have many strengths and abilities that they can use to get through lockdown. Do take the time to recognise and celebrate their strengths (this is often called strengths spotting). Empower them as much as possible to make decisions and choices as they arise.

DON’T feel like you have to solve all the problems because you are the parent.
DO model problem solving processes and skills to your children and involve them in problem solving. Believe in them and offer hope that together these problems can be solved. Gently aid them to keep problems in perspective, without invalidating their concerns.

DON’T try and protect your children from the uncertainty of the situation. I know some children find uncertainty very unsettling, but giving them false hope or denying that the situation is uncertain won’t be helpful in the long run.
DO affirm that uncertainty is difficult, and explain why we don’t know how long lockdown will last. Draw their attention to the reasons why we are in lockdown and to the things that we can be certain about and have control over, such as the daily routine, and choosing pleasurable daily activities.

DON’T ignore your children’s need for a sense of purpose and meaning or connection to spirituality.
DO use familiar rituals and ceremonies (such as around passover or Easter) to reconnect your child with a sense of belonging, meaning and the familiar. This can help them gain meaning and belonging that add to their resilience.

It doesn’t have to be hard - overall kids needs lots and lots of love (not so much the 100 craft activities). Love your kids and be kind and compassionate to yourself, and your children will be all right.