Start A Ripple Of Compassion
I was dropping my son at holiday programme on Tuesday and before I could sign him in I had to wait for a mother ahead of me - it was one of those mothers - you know the ones that hold up the whole queue while they do something complicated, and keep asking more and more questions, with no sign that they are winding up. I just wanted to sign in and go back for a client session, and I was getting more and more restless having to wait. She eventually resolved her questions and when I was in the car heading back to the office I began to reflect on the incident and whether my thoughts and restlessness were in line with my values. It has been a hard year for us in Tāmaki Makarau and if I am starting to act angsty in queues and getting easily irritable then it has got bad.
We are finishing a hard couple of years, and we are observing a shared increase in stress and tension, that is often expressed in negativity and hostility to others. The summer break is a chance for the deep refreshment and restoration that we need to withstand the things that 2022 has in store for us. Many of you in healthcare and social services will be wondering what summer break I am referring to, because I know that you will be continuing to work through supporting those that need it most. As helpers we have no hesitation in putting up our hands when we hear the call to heal the world - after all that is our purpose, that is what gives our life meaning. BUT sometimes it is this eagerness that can limit our longevity which is what we need to be cultivating right now. We begin to think that the world needs us. That it is our work that is holding the nation together.
We forget that what we long for is to create a world that doesn’t need our work.
What the world needs most to heal the hurt, struggle, irritability anger and hostility is ripples of compassion. Ripples that start with us, and flow outward to create compassionate teams, and compassionate systems, that can heal the world. Those ripples begin with us, and not with us putting our hands up to heal the world.
Rather it begins with us learning to be compassionate towards ourselves. To be able to recognise and tend to our own needs and to take a compassionate stance towards ourselves. This basis of kindness allows us to be all we can be, to be calm, to grow and learn and to prioritise our own self-care. These actions create a deeper well of compassion in ourselves so that we can sustain the providing of compassion to others. Our modelling and emphasis on self-compassion helps others grow in compassion, they can then grow a compassionate team and work to create compassionate systems so that we can create a new more compassionate world, where we are motivated by kindness rather than by individualism.
Growing our own self-compassion isn’t an easy task. Over December I have challenged myself to practise self-compassion every day and it does require intention, attention and lots and lots of practice. If you are taking a summer break it is a great opportunity to work on your self-compassion. If you aren’t taking a summer break then you definitely need to work on your self-compassion! Here are six suggestions to get you started on developing your self-compassion, but remember to have compassion for yourself in the process - it will take time.
How to grow your self-compassion
Intention:
1) Take some time to develop an understanding of what self-compassion is and isn’t. Kristen Neff defines self-compassion as having 3 components. Including an ability to express warm kindness towards our own struggles, failings and imperfections. A sense of common humanity - struggling is normal and many people struggle, in fact, it is part of being human. Finally having a stance of mindful openness towards our emotional experience.
2) Choose one self-compassion practice that you are going to work on for a week. There are many suggestions on Kristen Neffs website.
Attention
3) Begin by slowing down and building your ability to notice the tone of your mind messages and self-stories./ self-talk. Notice how you talk to yourself (if you do not everyone has an internal dialogue). Pay particular attention to the tone you use in addition to the content of your dialogue. You could ask yourself - is this how my best friend would speak to me?
4) Be open and curious about your feelings. What might your emotional responses be telling you? Allow your emotions to be there.
Practice:
5) Practice taking a kind stance to your feelings, reactions, imperfections and mistakes. Imagine what the kindest person you know would say, and practice using those words to yourself.
6) Practice paying attention to your needs. Stop regularly thought the day and wonder - what do I need? Chose to meet those needs with care and tenderness.
Be as kind to yourself as you are to your clients, and together we can change the world.
3 steps to nurturing tunes of hope in your team in hard times.
Hope is the thing with feathers -
That perches in the soul -
And sings the tune without the words -
And never stops - at all
Wrote Emily Dickinson in the 19th Century. She portrays hope paradoxically as something light -as if it might depart at a moment, yet persistent and tenacious. Although we tend to focus on more tangible elements of well-being hope is an essential resource as we navigate a resilient path through the strains of the global pandemic.
The critical role of hope was brought home to me last week when my hopes of exiting lockdown in time for the school holidays were dashed. These are the moments that I have found most difficult during the pandemic those moments when hope that I was holding was not fulfilled. Social support is associated with the presence of hope, and in those moments when our hopes are dashed we most need others. At these times others are able to show us how the thing with feathers still persistently sings. As a team leader part of your role supporting your team through the pandemic means constantly nurturing these tunes of hope in your team.
A basic definition of hope describes hope as wanting something to happen. In well-being and therapy research it is all about how we see, understand and think about the gap between the present and our view of the future. It involves three elements: our vision of the future, our ability to generate pathways that will get us to that future, and what we believe about our ability to generate those options and move toward that pathway.
I have observed in myself and in my clients that often in difficult times our hope becomes fixated on removing the difficulty. Sometimes this is appropriate but at times the difficulty is totally out of our control and the hope of it disappearing can be unrealistic. While it is important to hang onto our hopes and expectations of things that we can do or enjoy once the ‘global pandemic is over’ (a trip to the cinema with friends anyone?) we also have to acknowledge that this is not in our control. We also have to acknowledge that for those of us in social, health and human services that it is going to be a long time before the impact of the pandemic stops influencing the complexity and volume of our work. In the middle of the enduring nature of our struggles we need to find closer and more realistic things that we can nurture hope towards. In this situation, it is more effective to nurture process hopes rather than goal hopes. These are hopes around who we are going to be as individuals and teams in the face of the stresses and strains that we face. It may be nurturing the hope that we will continue to serve our clients effectively, while growing a cohesive, wise team that is high in well-being and navigates the pandemic with resilience.
Your team needs to have their hope nurtured as this enables them to more easily nurture the hope of their clients, and we all need to hang on to hope as we navigate the challenges of the pandemic. There are 3 steps to nurturing hope in your team:
Spend some time thinking about the state of your own hopes, clarify your vision for the medium and long term. If you are having trouble being hopeful, think about who around you nurtures your own hope, be intentional about asking them to have hope-filled conversations. Be realistic about simultaneously holding hope that this pandemic will be over someday (it will!) and acknowledging that we can’t keep operating as if it will be over next week, and so can tough it out. If you can’t make the changes you desire (more resources, less demand!) set some process hopes, identify what values and qualities you hope your team will show as you deal with those restraints.
Take some time to discover the existing hopes of your team. Talk about those hopes, find ways that you can nurture and tend that hope. Discuss with the team whether their hopes are realistic given the organisational and resource constraints that you face. Take the time to nurture alternative hopes together if needed, encourage your team to generate pathways to those hoped-for futures. Provide resources for those pathways if and when you can.
Acknowledge the struggle but communicate hope. Hope is not a way of enforcing positivity rather it is a resource that helps us in the middle of the struggle. Talk about what your hopes are for your team, your service, your clients. Talk about the goals you want to achieve, talk about the process hopes that you have. Demonstrate the value of hope by making time in your busy schedule to have these conversations - yes hope-filled conversations are as important as tending to clients. Communicate your belief in your team that they can make it through the challenges that they face with resilience and tenacity.
Finally, I want to leave you with a quote from Marcus Buckingham:
Great leaders are alchemists, transforming our fear of the unknown into confidence in the future.
making friends with fear and worry during a pandemic
Yesterday I forgot to apply hand sanitiser despite being in a meeting only a few hours earlier where I was told to apply it after every client and given a bottle that was in my pocket. I had got too involved in what I was doing and it had not become top of mind any more. Fear has an important role to play in keeping us safe. In this case we could argue that I was not fearful enough, that it is fear that helps me be vigilant and remember to apply the hand sanitiser.
As we face this pandemic and the financial and psychological implications there is in fact a lot to worry about, a lot to even fear. What we don’t need to be worrying about or fearful about is our own fears and worries. When a global event of this size and scope occurs worries and fears are an appropriate and normal reaction. A greater understanding of our fears and worries can help us to better navigate our emotional response to all that is happening. This is written primarily for people who on the whole have a good level of emotional and psychological well-being. If you have existing trauma or an anxiety disorder that is being exacerbated by the current situation you should seek extra support from your health team.
Fear
Fear is an awareness of danger that is experienced physically in our bodies and also interpreted and amplified by our mind. You can see how useful fear is, and you are probably familiar with the ‘fight or flight’ response, that enables us to escape danger when we need to. The fight or flight response is a state of alert in our bodies, it involves responses such as an increase in heart rate, blood rushing to our muscles and limbs and the release of adrenaline. These responses allow you to respond quickly to the danger that you are facing. You can probably think of times when this has been helpful. Perhaps you misjudged the space that you needed to cross the road and a car was suddenly coming towards you. It is the flight respond that helped you dart out of the way just in time. Or perhaps you sped across the playground and caught your child just as they were about to fall off the climbing frame. We might even say afterwards that we did it without thinking, because our bodily response and the more basic parts of our brain took over.
At this time of viral pandemic we do face a very real danger, and it is that awareness of danger that helps us to take the protective actions we need. It is that sense of threat that helps me be vigilant and remember the hand sanitiser. However, we can develop two unhelpful responses to that state of fear. These unhelpful responses come from the work that our mind does with the fear, the amplification and thoughts that occur around our natural fear response. The first unhelpful response that some people experience is that they may be very uncomfortable with the feeling of being afraid, they then begin to judge the fear response negatively. This may become associated with the feeling that they shouldn’t be afraid, that fear is terrible and this can lead them to try to avoid or suppress the fear, or to become fearful or upset by the fear itself (rather than the threat). Suppression can make the fear worse, and people can become quite distressed by their experience of fear. To combat this extra distress we can make friends with the fear, to see it for the helpful message that it is. Some people find it helpful to just thank their mind for keeping them safe when they feel that fear lurking. The second distressing response that can occur to fear, is when we are unable to quiet the flight or fight response, so we spend all our time at a high state of alert, even when we are not in immediate danger. Physiologically the fight or flight response has a fairly short cycle that will naturally resolve and come back to a state of rest. Some people may have more trouble than others coming back to this neutral stance. This may be particularly difficult in situations like the viral pandemic when the threat is all around us, and the news is so accessible to us. So it is important that we have strategies in place to quite the fight or flight response (more on that soon).
Anxiety
We can distinguish fear which is alertness to a present danger from anxiety which is when our minds project that sense of threat into the future. Anxiety is centred on the thought that something bad is going to happen to me tomorrow or next month or next year. But our body is already going into the fight or flight mode to keep us safe from danger - except the danger is not in the here and now. This constant state of alertness can be quite distressing for both our bodies and our minds, and is often associated with a certain amount of discomfort and avoidance of actually feeling the anxiety.
Worry
Worry is a more cognitive (thought) based response to things that may happen in the future, it may not be associated with the physiological response that accompanies anxiety. Worries are the niggly thoughts that chatter away in the back of your mind - what are you going to do if your child has to stay home from school? What do you need to do? How will you entertain them? Although these worries can be associated with stress, usually they are fairly helpful in assisting us to plan and remember things and generally sort ourselves out. Sometimes however these can create what I call worry loops where the worries go around and around with no resolution or plan. We became suck in a loop going over the same thoughts. A helpful way to break these loops is to identify the emotion or feeling that is behind the worry as often the cognitive focus is a way of avoiding the emotion.
Responding to Fear, Anxiety and Worry.
Understanding the ways fear, anxieties and worries work is an important first step in helping us manage them in the face of the pandemic. We also need to put into action some strategies for responding to these nomal concerns, fears and worries. Here are 4 strategies that you can use to help with your feelings at this time, they are sympathise, soothe, specify, strategise.
Sympathise
Have you ever thought about how you talk to yourself when you are worried, fearful or anxious? Have a go at responding to yourself with extra kindness and compassion. Emphasise how normal your response is, and open up a little with curiosity about your feelings. It can be helpful to talk to yourself as you would a child, “oh dear one, you are afraid today, that is normal considering what we are facing”. It can be helpful to gently identify the feeling behind your unsettledness. Are you fearful, worried, sad, grief stricken, or angry? It can be helpful to find a kind friend to talk to about how you feel and even about how you feel about your feelings. If you are unable to chat to a friend, journalling may also be helpful. Remember that fear and worry are helpful and normal but do remain alert to any changes or distress that you may develop.
Soothe
Another useful strategy is to be able to soothe both your physiological response to fear and your feelings. Although the fear response is helpful, we do need some times when we are back in neutral and our bodies are calm. As well as the fight flight system our bodies are also wired with a soothing system and we may need to prompt that into action. One of the key ways we do that is through affection and bonding with others, this releases oxytocin and other soothing neuro-chemicals that calm our physiological alertness. You may like to identify a safe friend or family member that makes you feel connected and loved and is free with their affection, make sure you have set up ways of connecting with them (given the need for social distance). You can also take actions to calm your body directly. Breathing exercises (vagal breathing), meditation and mindfulness are all helpful ways of calming our bodies and minds.
Specify
I am noticing that people are expressing a vague and amorphous sense of dread. I suspect that some of it is grief around their expectations of safety and how the world works has been turned upside down. It can be helpful to be more curious about this vague sense of fear and anxiousness. What is it actually that you are upset about? Investigate your feelings and try and identify the root of your worries. What is it that you are actually afraid of? There are many things to be afraid of in this scenario but we will all fear different aspects of it. What is it actually that is concerning you? Is it the fear of dying alone, is it fear of leaving your children, is it the financial impact of being laid off, or is it needing to self-isolate with your 4 children? It can help to try and pin down the key one or two or three fears that are most pertinent and pressing for you.
Strategise
Once you have identified the root of your fears, you may be able to take action to mitigate them, and the ability to take action in turn may make the fears seem less pressing. Research shows quite clearly that things are more stressful when they are unpredictable and out of our control. It can be helpful to identify what is in your control, and make strategies to take action on those things that are within your control. If you are worried for you kids what do you need to talk to them about, or provide for them to ensure that that they are developing their own resilience. If you are afraid of financial recession what information do you need to help you plan for that eventuality. Maybe most importantly of all what principles and values guide how you live and how can you act in line with them each day despite your fears and worries. You can take actions to support your well-being and it is worth thinking about whether the information flow that you are exposed to is helpful for your well-being or adding to your fear and worries. Think carefully about how much information you actually need for your well-being and limit yourself to 1 or 2 reliable sources if this enables you to cope better.
You are resilient!
Finally remember that on the whole people are resourceful, adaptable and resilient and the majority cope with disaster well, and some even come through stronger and with a greater sense of who they are and what is important to them. That means that you are resourceful, adaptable and resilient and that whatever you face in the coming days you will surprise yourself in your ability to cope.