How to have a refreshing holiday

and just like that, it was holiday time. 2021 was another big, busy and difficult year. If you are like me you probably felt that what you wanted most to end the year was a very long nap. You know that your holidays needs to be refreshing if you are to avoid burnout and be able to give your best to your work when you return to work. However, I have found the reality of messy, noisy, post-lockdown family life has made getting a really long nap difficult. Getting the break I need stuck at home with a restless tween is harder than I expected, and I am a bit over all those advice articles that assume loads of free time (yes I can just remember when holidays were full of naps, meditation and reading!). I may even have heard holidays with families referred to as “the time of intensive childcare and housework.” So here are my 7 tips for the rest of us - those that struggle for refreshment in the middle of kids and household management.

1) Identify Your Needs

We often end the year with a strong sense of tiredness, the feeling of needing a break and our goal is to ‘make it to the holidays.’ We then collapse into the holiday without spending time thinking about what it is exactly that we need the holiday from and what we need the holiday to do for us. Although our work may be tiring, what actually drains you about your work is probably more specific than that, apply your curiosity and identify one or two elements that you need a break from. For some people it may be being around people all day, for others, it may be the emotional impact of our helping work, for others it may be around the responsibility of managing others. These holidays I realised that what I most needed a break from was planning, organising and creating momentum. Once you have identified your needs then consider what makes you feel most relaxed and refreshed in relation to those needs. Perhaps it is alone time that you most need, or like me perhaps you need a break from organising and to just be spontaneous for a while. Think about what activities, people or situations give you the most energy.

2) Prioritise Your Values

Unfortunately, the basic rules of time management apply to holidays as well. We can’t do everything that we would like to do in the week or two that we have off. We need to make decisions about where our priorities lie. After you have included activities that will give you the most refreshment your values can guide you as to other activities that may also be important. Family holidays always require compromises and articulating your values can often help you understand and manage any sacrifices you may need to make to accommodate others needs. I often find that if I am swayed into others agendas without consideration I can feel like my needs are getting overlooked. If I take the time to intentionally think about and share my values and make value-led decisions to prioritise others needs, I can manage a lot more compromise. Simply acknowledging the reasons I have to make this sacrifice and why it is important to do so allows me to be more compassionate and giving with my time.

3) Activate Your Self-Compassion

What if what we most need a holiday from is our own internal world. Those high expectations, perfectionism, worries and anxieties. Sometimes we most need a holiday from ourselves. Our struggles with our own mind messages and internal states can be exhausting. Perhaps you even have an expectation that you will be excellent at self-care and refreshment, that you will use your holiday well and return to the work that you love with truckloads of energy. Even your expectations of how you will use your holiday can be tainted by perfectionism and high standards! Beginning a refreshing holiday starts with showing yourself compassion - opening up to accept just how tired and fatigued you are, and responding to that exhaustion with care and expressions of empathy. Self-compassion is treating yourself with the kindness, care and generosity you would offer others, accepting that we all struggle sometimes and being open and accepting of your emotions. It may be helpful to wonder whether you are having the holiday that you would recommend for your best friend if they were as tired and as worn down as you are.

4) Don’t Make Work For Yourself

Is this holiday the time to repaint the spare room? Maybe, it depends if that activity provides the sort of re-energising that you most need right now. Only you can answer that question. If you are very tired it may be helpful to ask “Do I really need and want to be doing this now?” If you are fatigued making complex holiday plans may not be the relaxation that you need. You may be better to think about all the ways that you can simplify. It may be more important to consider all the things that you are not going to do. These holidays as part of my refreshment plan I am committed to not tidying up after my family members and not going to get groceries (we are not starving yet but the house is a complete mess!) I have read some recommendations that holidays are good times to introduce new habits and make lifestyle changes. If you are very tired and have all the family home this may not be the best time to make changes to your lifestyle. Rest and refresh yourself especially if the new habits you want to introduce require preparation and research. It may just be your internal high expectations kicking in and driving you to get more out of your holiday - it is ok to just rest and do activities that you find energising.

5) Prepare Just Enough

Preparation can be helpful (and essential for travel) but it may be most beneficial to think of aiming for a balance. Being just prepared enough to gain the refreshment you need, but not so much that you are actually creating work for yourself. I relax and refresh best by having opportunities to create, art, crafts and writing preferably. I try and prepare by having the raw materials I need all ready so that I can have the satisfaction of creating on my days off, rather than having to go out and search for what I need. I also find it helpful to have a loose list of what I am planning to create so that I don’t wander aimlessly wondering what to make. If you are juggling family life It can be helpful to have your refreshing activities (books, crafts) handy in a favourite spot. This means you can snack on energising activities throughout the day whenever those random free moments arise.

6) Remember The Power of Little Things.

Having a refreshing holiday doesn’t have to involve grand plans to travel to new and exciting places, or a 2-week silent yoga retreat. Refreshment and re-creation are more effectively gained through little things done intentionally and done consistently. When you are balancing your need to re-energise with family life it is especially important to think about those small moments of rest and refreshment and how you will scatter them throughout your day and week. Making an effort to be fully present and mindfully enjoy activities is a powerful tool for refreshment. I have been enjoying watering the garden in the evening slowing down enough to watch the droplets fall and shine on the grass leaves. Savouring may also be a helpful small skill to introduce into your holidays it is a technique that helps our brain dwell on the good things that happen to us. You may like to introduce a savouring habit with your family each day. For this simply ask each family member to remember a delightful or pleasant moment from their day, to review the event or activity in their memory including as many details as possible (including their senses) and then share it with the rest of the family, including how they felt at the time.

7) Be Aware, Be Mindful and Become Relaxed.

Part of a refreshing break is creating the conditions in which our bodies and minds can be free from stress and relax. This may take a bit of practice and adjustment if you have become accustomed to constant stress. Be curious, open and accepting of all that you are feeling, and aware of the patterns of stress that may be present. Become mindful of what your mind and body are signalling that they need and the conditions under which they feel most relaxed. Find ways to increase the relaxing and refreshing actives and decrease the things that make you feel most stressed.

I hope you are all able to refresh, re-create and re-energise at some time over the holidays.

Christina

6 Tips for Staying Well during Lockdown

Global pandemics and lockdowns are difficult, they are hard to cope with. This is not a normal situation and it is very challenging. It is ok to have found it hard, and to have had a bit of a heart sinking feeling when you heard the news that we will be under Level 4 restrictions for a longer time. But I do want to remind you that there is nothing inherently stressful in a lockdown. Stress rather is something that happens in our mind and body in reaction to something that is occurring. Stress happens when we see that event as a threat and feel or think that we don’t have the resources to cope with it. Therefore we all find different elements of the lockdown stressful, and have a different amount of resource to deal with those stressful elements. It can help to identify exactly what it is you struggle with, and consider how you can increase your resource in that area. Part of increasing our resource involves maintaining our well-being as this is one way to increase our resource to manage the struggles. It is easy to think of taking care of our well-being as something huge and complex but it is most often those simple, small things done presently that make the most difference. It can be a bit like when the Evergreen was stuck in the Suez canal and those tiny dredgers and diggers had to move just enough sand to get it out. That is what we are doing to maintain our well-being - tiny bucket loads of sand scooped out with persistence.

Here are 6 tips for maintaining wellbeing during lockdown.

Make Plans.

I don’t know about you but I have struggled to get out of bed a few days this week. It seems that all of a sudden all those little rewards that are part of our day (conversations with colleagues, coffee on the way to work, smiles from others, chats in the kitchen, colleagues saying you have done a good job) are gone. Also gone are the normal structures and timetables of our day that mean we are able to function on automatic. We are suddenly faced with making many decisions without the usual external rewards (dopamine hits). Struggling with motivation seems fairly normal in the face of that, but we can take action to compensate. Making plans that involve structure and schedules and planning frequent small rewards help us with motivation. You can also support your well-being by trying to keep your schedule as similar to your non-lockdown schedule as possible. This helps your day to feel normal (more important as we prepare for a long-time in lockdown) and helps with the adjustment to different levels. Planning a clear differentiation between workdays/weekdays and weekends/days off is also important to give your week a normal rhythm and to ensure you get a rest from the work focus. It is amazing how motivating it is to still feel the achievement of making it to Friday.

Pay careful attention to your motivation and what it is telling you - is there a specific time of day that you are struggling with? Why might that be? What action can you take to help with that? Think of those small rewards that might provide a small smile, or moment of joy. Today my treat at 3pm (a school day of work) is to go to the big park (instead of the little park) for a walk. If your struggle is to get out of bed in the morning think of some ideas that would make that more attractive for you - perhaps a nice cup and saucer already laid out, a snuggly oodie to transition between bed and being up, or a scheduled chat with a friend would just give you a little more reward and incentive to get up. Planning things to look forward to can also be a helpful motivator at times like this, anticipation gives us similar feelings of happiness to actually experiencing events, so it is an important contributor to our well-being. Plan some things to look forward to that are possible during lockdown and some things that you are going to do to celebrate being able to see friends and family again when we are finally allowed.

How is your motivation today? What can you plan that would give some small boosts to your motivation through the day and through the week?

Tune Into Your Why

Maintaining our well-being and feeding our ability to cope with Lockdown is often done with simple actions, yet those actions can feel very hard. The principles of caring for yourself are simple, control what you can, eat well, support good sleep habits, connect with others and get outside for exercise. Yet they are difficult to do consistently and intentionally and there’s the challenge. There is a complex process between knowledge and action that can trip us up and leave us slumped on the couch with a gin and tonic. We need to tap into that process between knowledge and action, in order to move forward. That process is filled with feelings, thoughts, urges and emotions. Often we have barely acknowledged them, or some of the feelings might be ones we keep pushing away. It can help to be curious about what is going on there and what the feelings and thoughts actually are. Our sense of why and our values can give us the motivation we need to maintain our well-being in the face of struggles and strains. Values are like underground power sources for change. If we can step into values driven actions instead of doing things because ‘we think or know we should’ things that were once just another item on an overwhelming to do list become a natural and authentic expression of our own sense of self. It may help you to remind yourself why we are in lockdown, to personalise it in a way that gives it meaning for you, perhaps a family member or particular group that you feel you are protecting. Then if you know your values spend time connecting with those each day. Ask yourself what it is you want to stand for in this time of lockdown, and use that to motivate your well-being actions. You may care for yourself so that you have the strength and energy to care for others, or so that you can be the best parent you want to be. Thinking of ways to live your values can help to add meaning and vitality into days that can begin to seem monotonous.

Do you know your values?

What values motivate you to care for your well-being?

What do you want to stand for in this lockdown?

Wonder About Worry

Often we can fall into certain habits of thinking that make it harder to feel well and to cope with the struggles that life throws at us. Our experiences, preferences, family life, biology and more all influence these thinking habits. It is completely normal to get caught in these patterns, our brains are tricky at the best of times. Sometimes it is helpful to consider whether these patterns of thinking that we have developed are helpful or unhelpful for our well-being. Some of these patterns may be particularly activated by the current rise in Covid case numbers, or the circumstances of your lockdown. Others may be long standing patterns that don’t usually bother you but that you are noticing more because of lockdown.

We can make small nudges to our thoughts so that they better resource us to cope with challenges. The first step in doing this is to notice what is happening and where our thoughts are leading. Be curious about your thinking patterns. Maybe you get caught in worrying about the future, perhaps you get caught in comparisons, or find it easier to see the negative than the positive. Pay attention to how these thoughts traps are influencing your feelings, what are the feelings that spring up in you in response to these thoughts. Also notice what initiates those thought patterns and what frees you to think a little more positively or realistically. Are there things that you are doing that might be useful to stop doing? (does scrolling the newsfeed exacerbate your worries?). People caught up in their thought patterns are usually anywhere but here in the present moment (often they are in the past or future). So a helpful reset if you feel yourself getting caught up in thought patterns is to come back to the here and now. To fully engage in this moment. This can often be done by focussing on our senses, what we can see, hear, feel, smell and taste right now. This little interruption to your thoughts can be a bit like pressing reset on the computer. Another pattern that I see a lot is developing a habit of focussing on all the things that we are missing out on. It is important to grieve those loses and make spaces for those feelings it may also be helpful to balance this by finding things to be grateful for each day. You can make small nudges in your thinking that will support and grow your well-being.

Tend To Your Body

Small persistent actions done regularly are what’s going to see us through the stress and struggles of this covid lockdown. This is particular true when we consider our physical health. It is the simple things, eat well, sleep well and exercise in the fresh air, that can make a difference to our ability to cope and bounce back from the stresses and strains of level 4. However nowhere is the gap between the knowledge of the simple things that we can do and our ability to take action so apparent as in eating healthy food, going to bed early and exercising. We know we should eat the broccolini for lunch, but much prefer the idea of the potato chips. Our relationship with food and exercise is often complex, and this makes it difficult to take the wise choices. Yet our bodies and brains are linked and have a great deal of influence over each other so enhancing our ability to cope with stress must also involve tending to our bodies (that often shout out about our ignored stress). For a long time I resisted regular exercise and while I still don’t particularly enjoy the process of exercising I do notice the difference it makes in my ability to think and perform in my work, and cope with challenges - and for me that makes it worth doing.

Our thoughts, feelings and patterns of thinking are all prominent here for example it is common to feel that exercise is a punishment (whip that body into shape), another should on our already full to do list, or something we have to do to make up for eating what we enjoy. Likewise we have a lot of thoughts and emotions around eating healthy food. We often see it as involving denying ourselves, eating things we don’t especially like and having to use all our will-power to do. But it’s lockdown so its time to reset and put aside all those old thoughts and ideas just as we have put aside going out. Instead it is time to honour your body with tenderness and compassion - after all you are asking it to carry you through lockdown stresses and strains - thats a big ask. You may like to start by once a day thanking your body for seeing you through another day. Then think of one action you can do to show your body care and nurturing each day. Tune into your body, listen to it and find things that make it stronger and healthier - do more of these things and worry less about what you ‘should’ do or eat. Wellness comes from developing a caring relationship with ourselves this takes small persistent moves in that direction.

What does your body need to be resilient?

How will you nourish your body today?

Connect with others

The courier came today, it was delightful to wave at him and receive an answering wave as he delivered the adapter I needed for my noise cancelling headphones (and yes these are absolutely essential for surviving lockdown). It was not just my adapter that was a pleasant addition to my lockdown life however, it is that sense of connection to community that a wave provides. We are trying to move our well-being and ability to cope with the stressors of lockdown with simple but sometimes difficult actions. Ensuring that we keep connected to others is one of these simple actions, that we need to be intentional about. The little casual interactions that we have throughout our day - with bus drivers, and cafe workers, or people in shops are much more important than we often realise, it is something that we can miss a great deal during Level 4 restrictions. If we are careful we can find ways to have some of these beneficial interactions, by waving at the courier or a neighbour walking down the street. We also need to keep up our larger interactions with those we know well. I have noticed that some people tend to take a negative attitude to virtual interactions or phone calls, finding them inadequate compared to face to face. That negative framing can quickly turn into “I can’t be bothered connecting virtually”, and a sense of isolation is quick to follow. Sure virtual interactions are not the same as face to face laughs, chats and hugs. Yet the virtual connections still provide the sense of connection, and belonging that can support our well-being and support us through the struggles and strains of lockdown. Time with friends provides a sense of safety and soothing that can be very helpful in reducing our sense of anxiety or ability to switch off from work that is getting out of control. Talking to these friends can also help us notice, name and express that package of emotions and stresses that we are feeling, helping us to normalise and manage our reactions to all we are dealing with. Helping others also has a positive impact on our mood and sense of purpose, again contributing to our sense of well-being. You need people, and people need you - we will get through this by helping and listening to each other.

Who and how will you reach out to someone today?

Winddown

If you are finding the pandemic lockdown stressful and worrying it is important for your well-being to take a break from this constant stress and worry that is putting your mind and body on high alert throughout the days. You need to nurture yourself by allowing your mind and body to rest from all the stress and worry that it is carrying. I am not advocating denial or distraction to avoid all those feelings rather it is saying that you need a break from carrying all that worry all the time. Your mind and body may have got so wound up that this is hard for you at first, it may be a matter of slowly teaching your mind and body to relax again. The weekend is of course a good time to be intentional about having opportunities to wind down. I find that routine and ritual are great ways to signal to our brain that we are shifting gears and so Friday night for me usually involves a bit of a different rhythm than other days of the week. I signal it is wind down time by changing out of work clothes, having something special to eat and drink and often watching tv. These signals are even more important as we negotiate working from home and the constant stress of the pandemic lockdown. Think about some routines and rituals that you can use at the weekend to signal that it is switch off from work mode.

We are all different and so this is about tuning into your own mind and body and finding those things that work best to relax you. Try and choose one activity that soothes your mind, one that soothes your body and one that soothes both at the same time. To soothe and relax your mind you may need to identify what makes you feel most safe, secure and relaxed (is it snuggled in bed?), what assists you to take a break from worry thoughts (is it switching off your tech?). You may find that engrossing occupations such as an excellent movie, a thrilling novel or a hobby that requires lots of concentration helpful. To soothe and relax your body you might like to try getting out in the sun, going for a run, having a bath or spa, giving yourself a massage or simply lying on the floor paying attention to the rhythm of your breathing with some nice music on. Our minds and bodies are connected so recognising this by choosing some wind down activities that combine both mind and body are also helpful. This may include meditation, prayer, mindfulness, progressive muscle relaxation, (there are lots of apps and youtube clips to walk you through these). Dancing, gardening and yoga are also great for relaxing the mind and body.

However you choose to wind down this weekend remember that these are all skills. They will be difficult to start with and you may find your mind returning to your worries. Hold your attempts with compassion and give your self space to practice, it might be difficult at first but it will get easier the more your practice. It can take time and persistence to teach your mind and body to relax again, we are just beginning on that process.

How will you wind down this weekend?

Lockdown is hard and if you find that you are struggling to help there are a variety of options of agencies that are still working hard to support your well-being throughout lockdown. A list of these can be found on the Ministry of Health’s Covid Wellbeing Page

Don't be a superhero

In normal times (now known as precedented times), as helping professionals we primarily care for others from a place of our own strength, health and resilience. We are those that care, we have to be strong and keep ourselves healthy so that we can care to the best of our ability - others are counting on us after all. Our professional training often reinforces this with its emphasis on evidence and ‘maintaining professionalism’ within our relationships with clients. We come to think of ourselves as superheroes, we come into work in the morning and don our professionalism like a cape and evidence based practice like they are our superpowers.

In unprecedented times however we realise that we are not superheroes at all. We realise that we are just ordinary humans. We are all struggling with the background of a global pandemic-both clients and helping professionals alike. The distinctions between those that help and those that are helped have been stripped away. The global pandemic has left us all feeling vulnerable, tired, battered and disappointed. The life circumstances that our clients and patients face have also entered our own lives, we have been caring and also dealing with ill family members, our own illness, negotiating difficult situations with family members, being far from friends and family at special times and being bereaved. Just because we are helping professionals doesn’t make us immune to the life circumstances that our clients may struggle with. It is confronting when we realise that just because we care for others as our profession doesn’t make us superheroes.

Perhaps our strength does not come from immunity from these life circumstance but rather from our ability to accept that we are only human. We understand that being richly and fully human means that challenges (and even pain) are part of life, a part of humanity. We are not superheroes just well-trained, ordinary humans, embracing the richness of our humanity. There are four key elements to being richly human that can resource us for standing with our clients in the face of our own struggles.

Connection

Being richly human means valuing connection and accepting that we need others. Richly human helping professionals make use of friends and family to support their emotional and psychological well-being. This can be challenging, as many helping professionals have an underdeveloped ability to receive, always remaining in their default identity as a ‘giver’. A small way to practice the skill of receiving is to open ourselves up to those tokens of encouragement and support that our clients (or patients) offer to us. It is easy to modestly brush these off, to dismiss our clients words with “oh its my job”, “of course I care”, or the kiwi classic of “no worries”. It nourishes our humanity and also honours our patients mana when we profoundly accept their forgiveness for being late, their encouragement to stay safe, their compliments on our clothes, their enquires about our own well-being and their thanks and appreciation for our work.

We need to slow down and savour those moments of connection human to human.

Authenticity

Being richly human means rejecting the stereotype of professional aloofness, it means dedicating time to reflecting on and figuring out all the ways that we can be authentic, whole and professional at the same time. Our professionalism does mean that we need to take care with self-disclosure but that shouldn’t mean that we are not showing up as whole people and bringing some of ourselves into our interactions. Sometimes a small glimpse of our own struggles or our own experience of loss or illness can be what a client needs to feel that they are less alone. It may be a simple as saying I was away last week because of a bereavement or sharing that you have been struggling with home-schooling. These moments of being real can enhance the connection to our clients and can be a source of hope that they too can accept this challenging life and remain connected and able to help others.

Shared Humanity

Richly human helping professionals understand the power of shared humanity. We are in this unfair, challenging world together, we all experience the imperfections of it, very few are untouched. Grief, illness, vulnerability, traumas and the suffering that these can cause are all part of the human existence. Richly human helping professionals understand that life is not all joy and positivity, but that we can live full and meaningful lives in the face of discomfort and pain. We can find ways to practically express our values even when we face painful situations, and we understand that feeling pain, sorrow and anger are often appropriate responses to what we see and experience. Richly human professionals are open to all their feelings and have the courage to turn towards the full range of emotions. Awareness of shared humanity means that we are able to look up from our own challenges and the challenges of our clients and see that other sources of pain are present in the world - we notice landslides, racism, oppression, earthquakes, loss and war.

Meeting Our Own Needs

Superheroes seem to get through saving the world without ever stopping for a toilet break. Richly human helpers, on the other hand, accept and acknowledge that they have needs and prioritise meeting them. They make space to tune into themselves, they slow down enough to be aware of the needs of their bodies and mind. Rich humans develop compassion for themselves understanding that they are just as worthy of care and nourishment as their clients and patients. Self-compassion is the key that leads them to prioritise self-care. You will find richly human helping professionals stopping for lunch, prioritising sleep and engaging in activities that refresh and re-energise them.

It is by accepting that we are not superheroes and acknowledging and nourishing our vulnerable humanity that we can become very strong and rich humans. It is that rich and full humanity that enables us to continue our caring work in the face of our own challenges and struggles.

Take care as you care for others,

Christina