How to have a refreshing holiday
and just like that, it was holiday time. 2021 was another big, busy and difficult year. If you are like me you probably felt that what you wanted most to end the year was a very long nap. You know that your holidays needs to be refreshing if you are to avoid burnout and be able to give your best to your work when you return to work. However, I have found the reality of messy, noisy, post-lockdown family life has made getting a really long nap difficult. Getting the break I need stuck at home with a restless tween is harder than I expected, and I am a bit over all those advice articles that assume loads of free time (yes I can just remember when holidays were full of naps, meditation and reading!). I may even have heard holidays with families referred to as “the time of intensive childcare and housework.” So here are my 7 tips for the rest of us - those that struggle for refreshment in the middle of kids and household management.
1) Identify Your Needs
We often end the year with a strong sense of tiredness, the feeling of needing a break and our goal is to ‘make it to the holidays.’ We then collapse into the holiday without spending time thinking about what it is exactly that we need the holiday from and what we need the holiday to do for us. Although our work may be tiring, what actually drains you about your work is probably more specific than that, apply your curiosity and identify one or two elements that you need a break from. For some people it may be being around people all day, for others, it may be the emotional impact of our helping work, for others it may be around the responsibility of managing others. These holidays I realised that what I most needed a break from was planning, organising and creating momentum. Once you have identified your needs then consider what makes you feel most relaxed and refreshed in relation to those needs. Perhaps it is alone time that you most need, or like me perhaps you need a break from organising and to just be spontaneous for a while. Think about what activities, people or situations give you the most energy.
2) Prioritise Your Values
Unfortunately, the basic rules of time management apply to holidays as well. We can’t do everything that we would like to do in the week or two that we have off. We need to make decisions about where our priorities lie. After you have included activities that will give you the most refreshment your values can guide you as to other activities that may also be important. Family holidays always require compromises and articulating your values can often help you understand and manage any sacrifices you may need to make to accommodate others needs. I often find that if I am swayed into others agendas without consideration I can feel like my needs are getting overlooked. If I take the time to intentionally think about and share my values and make value-led decisions to prioritise others needs, I can manage a lot more compromise. Simply acknowledging the reasons I have to make this sacrifice and why it is important to do so allows me to be more compassionate and giving with my time.
3) Activate Your Self-Compassion
What if what we most need a holiday from is our own internal world. Those high expectations, perfectionism, worries and anxieties. Sometimes we most need a holiday from ourselves. Our struggles with our own mind messages and internal states can be exhausting. Perhaps you even have an expectation that you will be excellent at self-care and refreshment, that you will use your holiday well and return to the work that you love with truckloads of energy. Even your expectations of how you will use your holiday can be tainted by perfectionism and high standards! Beginning a refreshing holiday starts with showing yourself compassion - opening up to accept just how tired and fatigued you are, and responding to that exhaustion with care and expressions of empathy. Self-compassion is treating yourself with the kindness, care and generosity you would offer others, accepting that we all struggle sometimes and being open and accepting of your emotions. It may be helpful to wonder whether you are having the holiday that you would recommend for your best friend if they were as tired and as worn down as you are.
4) Don’t Make Work For Yourself
Is this holiday the time to repaint the spare room? Maybe, it depends if that activity provides the sort of re-energising that you most need right now. Only you can answer that question. If you are very tired it may be helpful to ask “Do I really need and want to be doing this now?” If you are fatigued making complex holiday plans may not be the relaxation that you need. You may be better to think about all the ways that you can simplify. It may be more important to consider all the things that you are not going to do. These holidays as part of my refreshment plan I am committed to not tidying up after my family members and not going to get groceries (we are not starving yet but the house is a complete mess!) I have read some recommendations that holidays are good times to introduce new habits and make lifestyle changes. If you are very tired and have all the family home this may not be the best time to make changes to your lifestyle. Rest and refresh yourself especially if the new habits you want to introduce require preparation and research. It may just be your internal high expectations kicking in and driving you to get more out of your holiday - it is ok to just rest and do activities that you find energising.
5) Prepare Just Enough
Preparation can be helpful (and essential for travel) but it may be most beneficial to think of aiming for a balance. Being just prepared enough to gain the refreshment you need, but not so much that you are actually creating work for yourself. I relax and refresh best by having opportunities to create, art, crafts and writing preferably. I try and prepare by having the raw materials I need all ready so that I can have the satisfaction of creating on my days off, rather than having to go out and search for what I need. I also find it helpful to have a loose list of what I am planning to create so that I don’t wander aimlessly wondering what to make. If you are juggling family life It can be helpful to have your refreshing activities (books, crafts) handy in a favourite spot. This means you can snack on energising activities throughout the day whenever those random free moments arise.
6) Remember The Power of Little Things.
Having a refreshing holiday doesn’t have to involve grand plans to travel to new and exciting places, or a 2-week silent yoga retreat. Refreshment and re-creation are more effectively gained through little things done intentionally and done consistently. When you are balancing your need to re-energise with family life it is especially important to think about those small moments of rest and refreshment and how you will scatter them throughout your day and week. Making an effort to be fully present and mindfully enjoy activities is a powerful tool for refreshment. I have been enjoying watering the garden in the evening slowing down enough to watch the droplets fall and shine on the grass leaves. Savouring may also be a helpful small skill to introduce into your holidays it is a technique that helps our brain dwell on the good things that happen to us. You may like to introduce a savouring habit with your family each day. For this simply ask each family member to remember a delightful or pleasant moment from their day, to review the event or activity in their memory including as many details as possible (including their senses) and then share it with the rest of the family, including how they felt at the time.
7) Be Aware, Be Mindful and Become Relaxed.
Part of a refreshing break is creating the conditions in which our bodies and minds can be free from stress and relax. This may take a bit of practice and adjustment if you have become accustomed to constant stress. Be curious, open and accepting of all that you are feeling, and aware of the patterns of stress that may be present. Become mindful of what your mind and body are signalling that they need and the conditions under which they feel most relaxed. Find ways to increase the relaxing and refreshing actives and decrease the things that make you feel most stressed.
I hope you are all able to refresh, re-create and re-energise at some time over the holidays.
Christina
Start A Ripple Of Compassion
I was dropping my son at holiday programme on Tuesday and before I could sign him in I had to wait for a mother ahead of me - it was one of those mothers - you know the ones that hold up the whole queue while they do something complicated, and keep asking more and more questions, with no sign that they are winding up. I just wanted to sign in and go back for a client session, and I was getting more and more restless having to wait. She eventually resolved her questions and when I was in the car heading back to the office I began to reflect on the incident and whether my thoughts and restlessness were in line with my values. It has been a hard year for us in Tāmaki Makarau and if I am starting to act angsty in queues and getting easily irritable then it has got bad.
We are finishing a hard couple of years, and we are observing a shared increase in stress and tension, that is often expressed in negativity and hostility to others. The summer break is a chance for the deep refreshment and restoration that we need to withstand the things that 2022 has in store for us. Many of you in healthcare and social services will be wondering what summer break I am referring to, because I know that you will be continuing to work through supporting those that need it most. As helpers we have no hesitation in putting up our hands when we hear the call to heal the world - after all that is our purpose, that is what gives our life meaning. BUT sometimes it is this eagerness that can limit our longevity which is what we need to be cultivating right now. We begin to think that the world needs us. That it is our work that is holding the nation together.
We forget that what we long for is to create a world that doesn’t need our work.
What the world needs most to heal the hurt, struggle, irritability anger and hostility is ripples of compassion. Ripples that start with us, and flow outward to create compassionate teams, and compassionate systems, that can heal the world. Those ripples begin with us, and not with us putting our hands up to heal the world.
Rather it begins with us learning to be compassionate towards ourselves. To be able to recognise and tend to our own needs and to take a compassionate stance towards ourselves. This basis of kindness allows us to be all we can be, to be calm, to grow and learn and to prioritise our own self-care. These actions create a deeper well of compassion in ourselves so that we can sustain the providing of compassion to others. Our modelling and emphasis on self-compassion helps others grow in compassion, they can then grow a compassionate team and work to create compassionate systems so that we can create a new more compassionate world, where we are motivated by kindness rather than by individualism.
Growing our own self-compassion isn’t an easy task. Over December I have challenged myself to practise self-compassion every day and it does require intention, attention and lots and lots of practice. If you are taking a summer break it is a great opportunity to work on your self-compassion. If you aren’t taking a summer break then you definitely need to work on your self-compassion! Here are six suggestions to get you started on developing your self-compassion, but remember to have compassion for yourself in the process - it will take time.
How to grow your self-compassion
Intention:
1) Take some time to develop an understanding of what self-compassion is and isn’t. Kristen Neff defines self-compassion as having 3 components. Including an ability to express warm kindness towards our own struggles, failings and imperfections. A sense of common humanity - struggling is normal and many people struggle, in fact, it is part of being human. Finally having a stance of mindful openness towards our emotional experience.
2) Choose one self-compassion practice that you are going to work on for a week. There are many suggestions on Kristen Neffs website.
Attention
3) Begin by slowing down and building your ability to notice the tone of your mind messages and self-stories./ self-talk. Notice how you talk to yourself (if you do not everyone has an internal dialogue). Pay particular attention to the tone you use in addition to the content of your dialogue. You could ask yourself - is this how my best friend would speak to me?
4) Be open and curious about your feelings. What might your emotional responses be telling you? Allow your emotions to be there.
Practice:
5) Practice taking a kind stance to your feelings, reactions, imperfections and mistakes. Imagine what the kindest person you know would say, and practice using those words to yourself.
6) Practice paying attention to your needs. Stop regularly thought the day and wonder - what do I need? Chose to meet those needs with care and tenderness.
Be as kind to yourself as you are to your clients, and together we can change the world.
